I made myself a promise today, until an appropiate time, that i wont contact emil.
for any purposes, including bertanya khabar or wishing her goodluck in exams.
I know it was a good intention, but it always lead to bad situations. Always. At the end, I always wish I never did.
Ya Allah, tolonglah ako. Ako lemah, kau Maha Kuasa. Bantulah ako.
janji ini dgn diriku dan kau ya Allah. Kau tahu isi hatiku, kau tahu perangai burukku, kau tahu imanku. bantulah ako.
Emil is sitting for her first paper today, and my freaking self just don’t now how to be calm. I don’t know why I am so excited, since last week! I need help..,
I wanted to say anything to help her, in a way to give her support. I’m not good in it, I never was. I blamed myself for that, I just don’t know how to.
Emil didn’t response much. I did feel dissapointed. But that wasnt her problem, I know. It’s me.
So, nak berkabung, insyaAllah sekejap je, (Ya Allah damaikanlah hati ini).
and bounce back, I have my own paper to worry about, which I reaaaally should and it’s on monday.
ya Allah, be gentle with me. I’m weak. be gentle with me.
Don’t mind the tittle. It’s something I somehow urged to say during our usrah just an hour ago. Realization 
By Allah will, I’ll talk about this later on, if I can keep this into my remembrance.
I’m here to finish the previous post, which I left this morning, hehe straight to bed after solat 
So, the story was, I asked emil the question again, and she did answered. I say so because normally she won’t. Before, she would not answer it, in fact, she would refuse to talk to me if I were to ask about that particular question.
At that time, I was so weak. I’m weak now but at that time, I was way too weak. At that time, I would cry whenever emil didn’t answer because I felt how emil has changed, and how I became no longer someone that special in her life. Frustation, sadness, all lead me to be more weak and weak, even until I hated myself for being so weak that I would try to hate emil.
I would try, but I just couldn’t. For every act that I did which in my mind would make emil sad, I would cry right after. For every act that made her mad at me, I would cry right after. Until days and months passed when somebody came into me, Alifa who helped me to come into realization of what I were doing. Peace be upon her.
I have always know, that I love emil with all my heart. I never touched her. Not even her hands. I have always refrain myself from thinking sexually about her. With emil around, I wanted to be someone. Someone that could give her something, be it a good man, or a good husband (insyaAllah). However, so many things I have done came from my selfishness. I did those things because I wanted too much to be with emil, that I sometimes neglect what emil really wants.
Back to the question, her answer is simple. Yet, her answer was no different from what was in my mind since then. She said, her doa was that she prayed that she would be with someone that would bring her the good in life, and the life of the hereafter.
I smiled.
Of course, I wanted to be that someone. But that doesn’t mean I am that someone. I’m not yet like the one she describes, but I would strive for it. InsyaAllah. I want to be that someone.
Emil, I want to be that someone. And now, I’m working towards it. If even after everything, I’m not with you, pray that Allah would help me to go through it.
That was the story. I have no confidence in myself, but I love her too much, demi Allah, I want to change for the better.
I hope the day will come someday where I would do anything not because of emil anymore, but purely for the sake of you, ya Allah.
You know me the best, even better than me. Be gentle with me. Help me and guide me. In you, I put everything I have. SubhanaAllah.
It means, all praises be to god.
Today, I asked emil what does she really want? Basically, I’m asking who does she really want to be with, between me and mus. That’s a question I’ve been asking a lot to her. Why? because I just want to know? No, that’s not it. There is something in me that says I can’t live without her.
Or course, that is not true. Surely, by Allah will, I know that I can live even without having her next to me. But why would I still feel this feeling of dependancy towards her?
Not enough with that, Emil has always give more than just love. She changed me, there might be in bad ways, but honestly, there are alots in good ways. From not having a real purpose of life (really, I once was just a mere human living without actually having any goal to achieve in life), I found it. From not realizing the sins, now I did, and always battle to not to repeat it. From not really be reliance to Allah, now I do, hearfully, really. She taught me alot. She taught me to not be sad, to always bounce back, no matter what is the situation. She taught me to appreciate my self. Oh yes, I never knew I was this blessed (I don’t mean I’m blessed with more than other people, what I meant is the abilities of which Allah has given me) She taught me to be confident. She taught me to always smile (indeed because I was used to be a reserved guy, I didn’t talk alot, I was always being reserved, and I didn’t smile alot to the point where if I were to smile, I have to work for it, and I do work for it, as rasulullah (peace be upon him) said, smile is a kind of charity
When I talk to her, I would speak without having to be afraid of hurting her. I always want to say the truth, because I know that is what she wants me to do. She hate lies. She hates deceptions. Be it something very hard to accept, but please, no lie. Jazakillahukhair emil. Nak solat subuh
Hehe that’s one catchy tittle, isn’t it?
However, I really meant it. I’ve been listening and reading about his talks and writings. What’s with him that catch my attention? Well, there are a lot, some of which I think I have to think for long before I can come out with something easily explainable
Here is something I can say, as simple as I hope it is. From his talks and writings, he has, if not deep then a very reasonable understanding on how important it is to control oneself, to have good personalities/behaviour. In other words, he knows the important of getting back to change ourself (I meant for all current muslim) from struggling over all of the worldy things to struggling over inner oneself, struggling to act rightfully - which defines me (how I would like to describe myself at this moment)
Here is a short biography of Shaykh Hamza Yusuf, please correct me if I’m mistaken.
Hamza Yusuf was born in Washington State and raised in Northern California. In 1977, he became Muslim and subsequently traveled to the Muslim world and studied for ten years in the U. A. E., Saudi Arabia, as well as North and West Africa. He received teaching licenses in various Islamic subjects from several well-known scholars in various countries. After ten years of studies abroad, he returned to the USA and took degrees in Religious Studies and Health Care. He has traveled all over the world giving talks on Islam. He also founded Zaytuna Institute which has established an international reputation for presenting a classical picture of Islam in the West and which is dedicated to the revival of traditional study methods and the sciences of Islam. Shaykh Hamza is the first American lecturer to teach in Morocco’s prestigious and oldest University, the Karaouine in Fes. In addition, he has translated into modern English several classical Arabic traditional texts and poems. Shaykh Hamza currently resides in Northern California with his wife and five children.
Among other things, I found that his talks is always interesting. When he speaks, I somehow assured that he speaks the truth, he speaks what he believes and what he understands. He is not afraid to speak out, but in all his speeches, it’s hardly for me to see any sense of arrogancy. In fact, he is very modest in his speeches, but strict - an attribute that every muslim should have.
Here are 2 videos on him. One is from an interview with AlJazeera and another one is from his talk at the ICNA Why Islam? Symposium on March 18, 2006.
I hope someday I could meet this guy. Peace be upon him.
My friend said, there are always reasons to be happy. A lot, and indeed, there are. I know myself, and I know my weaknesses. With the name of my Lord, I know I wanted and I still want to change for the better.
I know, ya Allah, my mistake was, I’ve put all my heart into loving these two girls too much. Alifa. Emil. Before, it has always been more than what I really put towards you, ya Allah.
Only you know the day you touch my heart, to not ever again depend on them. You sent down this test upon me, and I’m gladly accept it. I’m your believer, I’d like to remain this way. Heartfully.
But I know I’m weak, and full of weaknesses. Therefore mr Lord, be gentle with me. Help me. Guide me.
Rasulullah, I love you. I could only wish that I’m able to meet you. For my love for human, let it be the most towards you, not anyone else.
Today, my effort was not good enough. I know I can do better. Ya Allah, make it easy for me.
Make it easy for Alifa. Make it easy for emil.
Today I tried to call you a few times, but you never replied. Do you hate me that much?
Your friend said you left your phone in your room and went somewhere else. Was that true?
The way she replied, simply implying “don’t disturb my friend anymore”. Do they all hate me too?
Did you block me from checking out your friendster? Why would you do that? Are you preventing me from knowing how you’re doing and all?
I’ve sent you an email, you couldn’t miss to read it, it’s in your inbox. Do reply.
I just can’t stop care. It kills me. And you won’t care why.
I’m a normal human being, neither am I the best, nor I’m perfect. With all the compliments, words, people poured to describe me, it was my own self to take them as they are - a mere description of myself - on which I hope my self-striving is headed to. I want to be like one they describe me. A good man. A nice man. An honest man. Honest in speeches, honest in actions, honest in everything, but just being me, not pretending. Though I accepted the fact I can’t learn to equip myself with all of the kindness of human being, but I know I can at least pick up those which I’m able to. Above all human I’ve known through out my life, my God, He knows me better. I believe in Him with all my heart. In fact, I have no doubt that He understands me better than myself, and from time to time sharing with me the knowledge (about me).
I have no doubt that all of these (in this life) that I’m going through at this moment are one of his test upon me. I am weak. I made mistakes, many mistakes. Continuous. When I learned from them, I made another. One after another. If I were to say who I hate the most, I’d say I hate the most myself.
My understanding of our lives, human lives, the ability of us to comprehend the knowledge He sent down to us, I see clearly that it doesn’t lead me to a bad end. It always a good end ahead. No matter how many mistakes I made, after a while I will feel the help from my Lord. He helped me. He has been helping me since I meet Him by heart.
continued.
the first song i liked in high School Musical 2
he does have facts
i know they are true
not much i should say
i buried the dream
that i was building
n we each take a different path
not knowing if we ever will meet again
i said gudbye
he walked out of my life.
p/s - i suffered 3 losses today